Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Not At All Quilt Related...

WARNING!  This post is not at all quilt related...it's about me...and not a very pretty side of me, but me none the less...I think I'm writing this as the final chapter of a very sad couple of weeks...but the ending is good and for that I am so very, very thankful...and I wasn't feeling very thankful for quite a few days.

There was an event that happened right after my last blog post...and the actual event isn't really what I'm writing about...it's the way I reacted to the event.  The event pretty much pulled the rug out from under me emotionally, I had been beyond excited about what was going to happen and then the timing of everything changed...POOF! nothing was the way it was "supposed to be"...I think that on top of my first birthday and first Thanksgiving without Mom, the kids weren't coming this year for Thanksgiving, it was just going to be Andy and I (and the boys of course) I just got sad...so sad that I was almost paralyzed...I didn't want to do anything...cried and cried...went to bed...I was in a great big depression.  Then my sweet Zack had a small stroke...I almost couldn't bear it.  But it did give me something else to think about besides ME!  Bless his heart!  He's such a trooper...he was pretty weak on his right side but he kept at it...he would slip and slide on our hardwood floors so we put some rugs down until he got sturdy...the rugs are now gone and he's getting around just fine.  The steps to go outside were a major challenge, but he's got that all worked out too.  With the stroke came some paralysis in the side of his face.  Not being able to feel his lip, if it got flapped into his mouth when he was chomping down on something he bit right into it...so off to the vet we went, his lip was swollen and ugly...she gave him antibiotics and referred us to the doggie dentist up at the specialist vet clinic...he's only there one day a month and that happened to be yesterday.  He decided that the best thing to do would be to remove those 2 big teeth on that side so he could do no further damage...so that's what they did...he spent the night there and we pick him up at 11 this morning.  The dentist said that because he has no feeling there he'll never miss them.  My sweet old man...

Sorry, I got a bit ahead of myself there but I wanted you to have the whole story on Zack, in case you wanted to stop reading this epistle now...So back to me...Thanksgiving was nice, bless Andy's heart, I was less than thankful for anything but he just hung in there with me, supporting and getting me through the day...Friday he got up and went to the gym and I was here, no one to chat with, the boys were sound asleep...the biggest A-Ha moment...not sure where it came from, was it the things that Andy had been saying for days that finally clicked, was it Darlene who had called and e-mailed daily to check on me and give me words of wisdom, was it Mom, was it ...  I have no idea where it came from, but like a door opening and the light shining in I got all of my answers...it was about me, but not the way I was thinking it was.  It was about my expectations...I was expecting people to do what I would do...I was expecting them to react the way I would...after 8 days of being a miserable human being, the light came on...it's NOT about my expectations...it's not about the way I would deal with it...the light is back on in my life.  I have much to be thankful for...I have amazing people in my life...I have my wonderful family, right here in my house and extended out to our son and his precious family...Andy and I both have very good health, a few twitches here and there but nothing of any concern, I had my mom for 60+ years of my life, while I would have loved to have had more, I am so very, very fortunate.  So all that said, I am very grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life and I hope that I will always remember the day the big Light came on...no more expectations...I will take each day as it comes and for that I will be thankful.

I am also so thankful for all of you who have stuck with me through the years...the good times, the bad times, the sad times and the happy times...the grandkid posts, the nature posts, the dog posts and the occasional quilt post...Thank you my friends!

I can't possibly have this long winded post without a picture...I have to share the birthday gift I got in the mail on Friday, the "Lightbulb" day...from my dear, dear friend Darlene...
charms for my bracelet that are HER...the Arizona sun and her Wabbit...even though we have never met in person, we've been friends for over 6 years...we "click"...she's gotten me through some very dark times...and now I have a little bit of her with me all the time.  Thank you Darlene...not just for the wonderful birthday gift but for the gift of your friendship.

Thank you for allowing me to share my life with you...the good and the not so good...next post, something quilty...I promise!

44 comments:

Carla A Few Of My Favorite Things said...

So glad your light is lit again. I think it has been hard alot lately for many of us, thanks for sharing and reminding us that we need to remember the good, the best, and live today. Thank you

Diane said...

So great of you to share. So many go through all those same feelings and think they are the only ones. Sharing helps us all get through these times together.

Thanks for blessing all of us!

Darlene said...

Always remember that you are loved. :-)

Angie said...

We all have these times in our life, and I think the holidays, family not being with us can bring us to grinding halt sometimes. I'm sorry you had such a hard week, and so sorry to hear about your dog. But, I'm glad you healed, and are feeling better. Just one day at a time---take care.

Cathy said...

Thanks for sharing. I think many go through something similar at times but they think they are the only ones because people don't talk about it. I've been there and you describe it well, like the light is off then it suddenly comes back on.

Janet O. said...

Oh, Carol, I can feel your sorrow AND your joy. I, too, have been caught in that downward thought spiral where I could only see how things weren't the way I wanted. I was knocking on depression's door. I have called my enlightening moment "my epiphany". And it truly was as if a light came on. I remember where I was and what I was doing, but I have no idea what triggered it.
I am so glad one came on for you, too. Life is so much better in the light, isn't it?

Happy Cottage Quilter said...

Carol, thank you for sharing your heart. It has been SO hard this year, since we also lost my hubbys Mom in the spring. She was the glue that held the family together. So it was a very different Thanksgiving for us as well. My hubby comes from a large family and we always spent holidays with them. It was very quiet and untraditional. One of our children has been walking away from our family for 8 years, so this also made me sad, to watch him making unwise choices in his life. I'm so glad you are walking in a new light. I hope and pray the rest of the holidays will bring your joy and peace.

Karin said...

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us - I am happy to know that your light has been rekindled! Happy too to hear that Zack is doing well. It sounds as if you have a wonderful support group with friends and family - all of us need that. They are there during the rough times which we all face and there to cheer us on and celebrate when we turn the corner. The charms Darlene sent are beautiful - what a sweet reminder of your treasured friendship!

Candace said...

I loved reading your post. I don't love that you and Zack had hard times, but it is an uplifting, happy ending, Thanksgiving story that touched my heart.

Loris said...

My heart goes out to you and especially to Zack. Such difficult things to go through. Perspective can help as does the comfort of being loved. I can't help but feel my heart break a bit when dogs (especially big yellow ones) are troubled by health issues. Please give both the boys love from me. I'm praying for all of you and am blessed that you take such good care of your loved ones.

Sherri said...

My heart just goes out to you! Your blog has always been an incredible source of light for me, so I'm so very happy that the light did come back for you. I know many people deal with discouragement and depression and more, and I think your sharing your experience is not only courageous, but also possibly could help someone be able to reach out when they most need to! Thanks so much for your incredible spirit you share with every post!

Sinta Renee said...

Isn't it a wonderful gift to be able to still learn and grow. Your heart moving into appreciation is a blessing in itself. You are such a beautiful person and I am so glad that you had Darlene for support. I can't imagine the pain of not having your mom-- of course you missed having her there with you!!!

Sandie @ crazy'boutquilts said...

(hugs) I hope the days ahead are filled with laughter, love and hope. Thank you for sharing your grief.

*karendianne. said...

You sure have been carrying a load and I'm so glad you shared so we all could stand up and shout out love and support for y'all.

I'm glad to read that Zack is holding his own and you are, too. Holding you in my heart through the good times and the challenging ones, too.

Magnolia Bay Quilts said...

This post gives me encouragement and hope. I'm so sorry for your loss and sadness, and so happy that you're turning the corner. I hope there are much brighter days ahead.

Sue said...

This time of year is always hard for those who have lost someone they love and so recently. I am thankful for the fact that you are doing better and it really is okay to have those tears. One of my favorite Psalms from the Bible says, ..."Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning"...Psalm 30:5. Our tears last only for a moment and then we receive our joy. It gives a person hope and isn't that what this season is all about? The season of perpetual hope. It's just something that helps me through the tough lumps in life.

I am so sorry to hear about your dog. THat just breaks my heart too. Our furry friends mean so much to us and it hurts to see them struggling. So glad he's doing better.

Hugs to you,
Sue

Cheryl's Teapots2Quilting said...

I understand. I was expecting 'empty nest' to happen this fall, but, oldest son didn't come home this summer, while youngest son worked in another state all summer. My varicose veins went haywire, so, I couldn't do most of what I had planned to do, my mother got remarried (BIG life change for everyone, but nice man) and, since new hubby doesn't like to travel, and we live 1200 miles away, she won't come visit me anymore. All this really got to me, and I almost had a meltdown. Too much, too quick, and I couldn't change any of it. Glad Zach is doing better now. You, too.

MB in MI said...

Glad your sunshine's back, Carol. Way to work thru the hard time!!

Karen said...

thank you for this post, Carol, and I too am so glad that the sunshine is back in your life. I managed to make it thru my first "post- hubby" holiday and will make it thru Christmas too, I'm sure, but it will be a struggle. You are a reminder to me that I need to turn off the expectations, the wanting to make it all right for the rest of the family, and just do what I can and make sure we celebrate all the happiness of Christmas celebrations (or just plain everyday blessings) past. Hard times befall us all, and sharing is a good way to deal with them.
Hope Zach continues to heal and be better.
{{hugs}}

Christine said...

Thank you for sharing and it has opened my eyes a little on what I expect from other too.
So glad you are feeling better and hope Zachary will improve each day
Hugs

Carrie P. said...

I am glad to see things are looking up for you. In 2010 I had a year when so many bad things happened I did not think I could handle one more thing but God and my friends helped.
Thanks for sharing and reminding us that their is good in this life. Darlene is a very caring person.

Susan said...

Carol,
Thank you for sharing your story! I think all of us go through times like that at different seasons in our lives. It is so good to come to the point of realization of how much we are blessed! I'm so glad you are at that point now!
Blessings on your day!

sunny said...

We'd never make it through without our friends! I'm glad Darlene has been there for you.

Stitched With Prayer said...

Oh Carol, I'm so sorry you went through 8 rough days, but so very thankful your light is shining again. I also very glad you shared your struggles with us...that is what we are here for dear friend. Blog friend are kind of like our spouses...we stick by them through the good times of course, but more than that, we must especially be there for them through the bad times. After all, the good times are easy to sail through, but those bad times, man that's like trying to pull yourself out of quick sand with a cooked noodle. Somebody has to be there to throw you a rope and reel you in. You are loved and cared about by so very many of us out in cyber space, it is the largest support group we could possibly hope for. Keep us updated on how you are doing and also how sweet Zack is coming along. Bless his heart! You must have been frantic. I'm keeping you and yours in my heart and my prayers, always. Big cyber hugs coming at you and please give your adorable boys some scratches from me. Hugs n Love....

Kindred Quilts said...

I have an old postcard magnetized to my refrigerator. It says "Behind the Clouds, the Sun is Still Shining." I'm happy the clouds parted and the sun came shining through for you. Take care.

Anne said...

I know exactly how you were feeling. We were also home by ourselves for Thanksgiving. I was okay until I started reading all the facebook posts about all the family fun people were having. I got very sad at that point. Now that we're with the kids in Seattle, it's all better. So glad you came out of it fairly quickly. We should have called each other. :)

pcflamingo said...

What courage to put all that out there in front of the world! What good fortune to have good friends to "buck you up" when you need it most. I found I had those too when my husband died 3 years ago after a debilitating disease. Sometimes you think "no, really, I can't take one more thing" and a friend will show up with a prayer or a casserole or a bottle of wine or whatever it is you need most to get through the day. I enjoy your blog so much and your honesty touches my heart.

Kate said...

Sorry you've had such a rough time lately, but I'm very glad you've had your lightbulb moment.

Melanie said...

My heart goes out to you.... Your plate was really full. You do have an awesome support system. I'm thankful your pup rallied for you. Over the years--- blogging years --- you have done so much for others. It's about time you received the blessings of it, you've given so much to so many. Keep smiling...

Sandra said...

I always enjoy reading your blog, but this post was special. How many of us cause ourselves unnecessary grief because of our expectations? Why do we think "our" way is "the" way? So glad to hear you (and beloved Zach) are doing well now.

Karen said...

I didn't realize that a pet could have a stroke. Poor guy. I am learning that animals can have just about any medical problems that a person can.
Good that you are finding a way to rally from some depressing days and smile again. Those charms truly do represent Darlene. A thoughtful and unique gift.

Cheryl said...

What a wonderful gift your friendship with Darlene is! And share away...it is therapeutic.

Cheryl said...

Such a wonderful, heartfelt post. Sorry you had a tough stretch there. Darlene is a very, very wise friend and I am not surprised she was there to help lift you up. Your wonderful Andy always taking care of your heart and your sweet family...yes you are very lucky. But you my friend, have given all of us so much through the years, we are all truly blessed and lucky to have you for a bloggy friend. (((hugs)))

Cheryl said...

Such a wonderful, heartfelt post. Sorry you had a tough stretch there. Darlene is a very, very wise friend and I am not surprised she was there to help lift you up. Your wonderful Andy always taking care of your heart and your sweet family...yes you are very lucky. But you my friend, have given all of us so much through the years, we are all truly blessed and lucky to have you for a bloggy friend. (((hugs)))

StitchinByTheLake said...

Depression is a wicked, sneaky thing. It catches us when we least expect it and tosses us around with no regard for anyone or anything. I'm sorry that you had to go through that but happy that you have found joy again. May God bless you with wonderful memories of your Mother and with joyful moments in the coming season. blessings, marlene

Vicky said...

Thank you for sharing with us. We care! Hang in there with Zack. Pups adapt so well. My doxie Katie had a major stroke, recovered fairly well, and stayed with me two more years to the age of 17. Will keep you both in my prayers! Yep, I believe in doggie prayers!! xox

Travesti Best said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kathie said...

wish I was closer I would come take you out to lunch and then a cookie
cookies always makes things better.

I am so glad your feeling better and Zack is too.
Kathie

Amy, a redeemed sheep said...

Depression is icky pooey and I cannot wait until the day when I will be free from it...forever!

Thank you for sharing your heart....

Quilt Hollow said...

I obviously missed your post. My mom is always depressed about one thing or another. While caring for her in October I always told her there was so much to be thankful for...I tried my best to get her "light" on. It's such a losing battle and draining on those around her. I wish she could see that....she'd likely have more visitors and calls from family and friends if she would be a positive person about life. Your hubby is a sweetie realizing you we're having such a difficult time especially since they are so different than us girls. You really were hit hard with so much and I'm glad you were able to process it all and see your light or shall I say lots of precious lights because you are truly blessed my friend.

Carol said...

Hi Carol. I've been away camping so I had no idea of the bad week you had. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think the anniversary of your sweet mother going to heaven was the trigger for a snowball of things that would make anyone break down like you did. I agree friends are are blessing and so is family. I'm happy you are doing better. Although I'm not as good of a friend to you as Darlene, I care about you and I try to be a good friend. Sorry about your doggie, glad he's doing better too.

Kris said...

Oh, dear Carol - I so know where you are at with both the expectations issue (I am still having problems with that but I hope your post will give me some good things to think about now) and missing your Mom. Like you, my sweet Dad passed away in May and a day does not go by that I don't still chat with him about everything going on in my life. I still cry and cry and I am not sure how Christmas will be. He was my only family left (my two brothers have both disowned me) and so I am alone except for the wonderful friends I have . That includes you and all my "close" blogging buddies!! Thank you for your heart-felt post!! May the holidays be filled with love and family and a wonderful remembrance of your dear Mom!!

Josie McRazie said...

I was 27 when I lost Mom and after 7 years and I still break into a blubbering baby when I hear O Holy Night! (The people at quilt guild looked at me like I lost my gourd last Tuesday! LOL) know I am thinking about you and hope you continue to find the peace in your heart you need to guide you through this!

Drew said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It really hits home. I've felt the same way myself. Thank goodness for dear family and friends and those "lightbulb" moments that remind us of how much we have and how much we matter. Your post touched my heart. So glad to have found it and you. You're quite a wonderful lady!